Silence and Esoterica
by Cedar
Summary: Tonight I look back because should I look forward I know not whether I will be able to see.


_Just Before My First Year_

I knew  
from the beginning  
that popularity and security  
and a predictable future  
were  
for anyone but me.

While the other  
first-years  
chatted and fiddled with  
their robes  
nervously looking  
in the direction of  
the Sorting Hat  
I stood quietly  
waiting  
observing  
choosing my friends.

When I had packed  
I left space  
at the top of my trunk thinking  
that my parents  
might send me  
books  
or  
an extra cloak  
or   
maybe some sweets at Christmas.

That  
was when I still had hope.

_When I Came to Hogwarts_

I hid  
behind my abilities  
behind my books  
in front of my father's anger.  
I resisted  
sneaking out nights  
stealing food  
skiving off classes  
provoking authority.  
I knew  
what could happen to  
someone  
who did that.

_Some of the Curses I Knew_

the Tickling Charm  
the Jelly-Legs Jinx  
the Nosebleed Curse  
the Bat-Bogey Hex  
(childish  
and useless  
but occasionally fun)  
the Perpetual Dance  
the Toothsome Hex  
the Petrification Charm

_James Potter_

Moved  
like a deer  
Flew  
through his classes  
Spoke  
like poison  
Fooled  
almost everyone

_Potions_

liquid mixtures  
balanced ingredients  
cauldron cohesion  
shimmering blue  
bubbling life  
blended perfection

_Sirius Black_

Appropriately  
became a dog Animagus  
because even though  
he was so loved  
and everyone wanted  
to pet him  
and give him toys  
I knew he was just  
a bitch.

_In the Common Room_

"We have a little study group, Severus."  
Narcissa Black  
her hand on my arm  
Rodolphus Lestrange  
grinding a cigarette into  
the gray stone floor  
smoke clinging  
to my hair  
my robes  
Evan Rosier  
leaning on the shoulder  
of some seventh-year I didn't know.  
"You should be honored.  
We're only asking you and Evan.  
We get top grades in  
Potions  
Charms  
Transfiguration  
pretty much everything.  
And  
we study the Dark Arts.  
Tell anyone  
and we'll show you  
exactly  
which Dark Arts we study."

_On My Honor_

I swore never  
to reveal their secrets  
not knowing  
how important this ability  
to swear  
would become in future years.

_Albus Dumbledore_

Squinted to read the newspaper  
but could see  
almost everything.

No one caused trouble  
or achieved  
without  
him knowing.

He knew about  
my father  
my mother  
my affinity for potions  
Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew  
and probably even  
the way I felt  
about  
Narcissa.

He  
never judged  
knew who my friends were  
always listened  
let me stay during the holidays  
gave me advice  
(some of which  
I wasn't sure I wanted).

I was unnerved  
by how much  
I felt I could trust him

a feeling  
I kept secret  
from those  
who trusted me.

_Things That Were Easy in 1975_

Mixing Veritaserum  
(the trick was in the stirring)  
Slipping Evan Rosier my Potions notes  
(it would have been harder not to)  
Casting the Bleeding Curse  
(James Potter was an excellent test subject)  
Listening to my friends  
(though I offered few of my own confidences)  
Achieving outstanding marks in my classes  
(people were difficult to figure out but transfiguration was just a wave of the wand)  
Noticing Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew trying to sneak around  
(they made a hell of a lot of noise)  
Worrying about my mother  
(her letters were so infrequent)  
Doubting my future  
(there were rumors of war)  
Lying to everyone  
(including myself)

_Remus Lupin_

It was sort of a shame  
he was so easy to like  
on account of the fact  
that he knew  
how to think of others  
and it was sort of a shame  
he was so easy to hate  
on account of the fact  
that he didn't know  
how to pick his friends.

_Peter Pettigrew_

The mouse of that group  
turned out to be a rat.

_During a Full Moon_

If Potter and Black  
and Lupin and Pettigrew  
thought they were hiding  
their midnight marauding  
from everyone else  
they were  
dead  
wrong.   
More rumors spread about them  
than anyone else.  
The one about Potter's tattoo  
was my favorite.  
What I kept to myself  
and what my friends refused to realize  
is that in some way  
there is truth  
to most rumors.  
I told Evan that night  
I was out doing my Astronomy homework.  
I did enjoy   
the view of the clear night sky  
but someday Evan was going to figure out  
that I no longer  
studied Astronomy  
and just wanted to be alone.  
Then I would have to think fast.  
There was Madam Pomfrey  
on her way  
to -  
Where was she going?  
And was that Lupin with her?  
As I watched I wondered,  
"Is she going under the Whomping Willow?"  
"Oh, it's really easy to get under there,"  
said an amused voice behind me.

_Wisdom Doesn't Come From Books_

When a person  
has  
"accidentally"  
spilled ink on your homework  
stolen your laundry and laid your underwear  
on the Gryffindor table  
wrecked three of your potions  
in a week  
set fire to your Charms textbook  
spread rumors about you  
and  
is named Sirius Black  
you should not expect him  
to  
tell you the truth  
about  
the tunnel under  
the Whomping Willow,

but  
I did.

_In the Tunnel_

A scream  
half human  
half animal  
The human half sounded  
vaguely familiar  
but from where  
I wasn't sure.

A tree root  
the smell of haunted earth  
and rotted leaves  
I stumbled  
fell  
gravel in my palms  
dirt on my robes  
scratches on my knees.

A need to know  
who was at the other end of the scream  
what I would find  
when I got there  
where the tunnel led  
why Black had revealed his knowledge  
how I could get him in trouble.

A smash  
wood and glass  
wind  
another scream  
closer  
near what must be  
the end

A wolf  
enormous  
teeth glinting  
shriek

scattering

the light  
in front of me. 

_The Unpayable Debt_

For what seemed  
like an hour  
but was closer  
to three seconds  
I stood  
transfixed  
horrified  
my legs heavy  
like I was dreaming  
only  
the monster  
was real.

I heard a shout.  
"Get away from there!"

Potter grabbed my collar  
dragged me away  
both of our  
hearts pounding  
brows sweating  
legs searching  
for the center of gravity.

The tunnel darkened again.  
The animal grew quieter.  
I looked back

full silver light  
primal screams  
mottled gray fur

their sneaking out  
and looking sleepy  
at the spring tides

Lupin always looking  
like he was sick  
or might be sick

and I knew

and I realized  
what Potter had saved me from.

_A Foolish Question_

I saw where  
my shoes  
dragged  
on the ground.

I heard the screams  
from what I now knew  
was Lupin.

I tasted blood  
where I bit  
my tongue  
metallic  
acrid.

I smelled  
impending rain  
the bitter decay of  
the tunnel.

Potter touched my shoulder. 

"Are you  
okay?"

I was  
alive  
mostly unharmed  
and now  
in a life debt  
to  
James  
Potter  
no thanks to  
Sirius Black.

"No.

I am not  
okay."

_Blackmail_

We were near the entrance  
back under  
the Whomping Willow.

I smiled

and I said,

"I can't wait for everyone else to find out  
Lupin's a werewolf." 

In  
the look  
on Potter's face  
I learned the meaning  
of the word  
priceless.

_You Can't Tell_

"What's he  
ever done to you?"

When Potter said that  
I wanted to do something  
to his perfect smile  
messy hair  
robes that fit  
hands that never  
never  
missed the Snitch  
that would get me  
kicked out of school.

But I stopped  
and thought  
that maybe  
their little group was  
like  
a fragile tree  
breakable  
limb by limb  
one by one  
and I  
could be the storm  
that brought it down.

_Omniscience_

There was a race  
to see  
who could get to  
the entrance of the tunnel  
first.

The winner  
got to decide  
Lupin's fate.

The loser  
if he was lucky  
got to decide  
how he wanted  
to serve his two years' worth of  
detentions.

Potter shoved me  
to the ground  
as he climbed  
up  
out  
and landed  
face-first  
at Dumbledore's feet.

"Professor!"

"Mr. Potter,  
return to your dormitory  
immediately.  
Mr. Snape,  
you're coming with me."

_My Promises to Dumbledore_

I would never  
reveal Lupin's secret  
tell anyone what happened in the tunnel  
dispel the myth  
of the Shrieking Shack  
or  
insinuate that anything  
more dangerous than  
a grindylow  
could be found on Hogwarts's grounds  
(outside the Forbidden Forest, of course).

I would  
treat Lupin with  
all the respect he could earn  
do my best  
to stay out of Potter's way  
as if that wasn't an effort  
I put in  
around the clock  
and do the things  
however strange  
or dangerous  
they might seem,  
that Dumbledore asked of me  
though I was pretty sure  
I would come  
to regret  
that one.

_Dumbledore's Promises to Me_

Knowing dark times were ahead  
he would protect me

if

I proved

trustworthy  
skilled  
loyal  
fearless

he would always  
guard me  
have faith in me  
advise me

but  
he would never let me forget  
what I owed to  
James Potter

and

if I did forget  
he would not be able  
to vouch for me  
at any time

or

say with certainty  
that he could keep  
one of my deepest secrets.

Knowing that my lineage  
could keep me in a  
life of ostracism

and

possibly make me a target  
rather than an ally  
of those  
who would lend their skills  
to the one they only called  
the Dark Lord

if

the Half-Blood Prince  
was found to be  
more half-blood  
than prince

Dumbledore swore  
that he would  
guard me  
have faith in me  
advise me

or

at the very least  
hide me

but

only

if

I worked  
among other duties  
to keep Potter safe.

I almost spoke  
almost reminded Dumbledore  
that if anything  
it was Sirius Black  
who owed me  
the debt  
considering he was  
the one who  
almost killed me

but

I thought better of it  
for once.

_Ordinary Wizarding Level: Defense Against the Dark Arts_

I knew what a goddamned werewolf  
looked like  
thank you very much.

_The Death Eaters_

"Do you like the name, Severus?"

I thought it was ridiculous  
when it was proposed by  
Bellatrix.

Who wanted to eat death? 

Yet  
when Narcissa asked me  
I couldn't imagine  
anything better.

_Lucius Malfoy_

Either he knew exactly  
what it was  
that he had  
that I wanted

or  
he hadn't got the brains  
to match his looks  
or his money  
or his popularity  
or his purebred surname.

But whether he knew  
or not  
didn't change  
the luster  
in Narcissa's eyes  
when she spoke of him.

Damn.

_I Do Solemnly Swear_

Fidelity to Lord Voldemort  
Secrecy to the other members  
Loyalty to the cause of wizarding blood purity  
(biting the inside of my cheek  
all the while)  
That my betrayal  
will be punishable  
by death.

It almost reminded me  
of the way  
I felt about my father.

I had to love the others  
but I didn't have to like them.

The brand on my arm  
is permanent  
but will only show  
when I am called to task.

I understand and honor this  
and sign my name  
this seventeenth day of February  
Nineteen hundred  
and seventy-seven

_This Eighteenth Day of February, Nineteen Hundred and Seventy-Seven_

"Oh, I have  
no doubt  
that he would kill you,"  
said Dumbledore  
folding his hands on his desk.  
"But I also have no doubt  
that you will do  
what you know to be right.  
Including honoring  
your debt to  
James Potter."

I watch  
the little toy  
on his desk  
the set of five silver balls  
suspended from wire  
clack  
clack  
right to left  
passing their energy  
swinging out  
left to right  
clack  
clack.

It always came back to  
Potter.

Fuck Potter. 

But I didn't  
say it.

I did say,  
"I'm not just in this  
for Potter."

Which I think Dumbledore knew  
anyway.

He knew  
I owed him  
much more  
than James Potter's life.

That was a debt with  
interest.

_Corpus Callosum_

The human brain is  
split  
right hemisphere  
left hemisphere  
and those were my loyalties and  
my beliefs  
right and left  
both equal in need  
diverse in their functions  
entirely dependent  
on the other for  
survival.

Voldemort  
could kill me  
for the secrets  
I divulged.

People I had come  
to care about  
could die  
because of me.

I could end up  
in Azkaban  
with an Order of Merlin, First Class  
in a grave  
with a stone  
for Potter to deface.

Dumbledore depended on me  
though not as much  
as I  
depended on him.

My human brain was  
split  
and my human heart was  
breaking  
as I considered  
the right hemisphere of Dumbledore  
the left hemisphere of Voldemort  
and that somewhere  
on the bridge between the two  
I stood  
electric on both sides.

_I Had to Learn by Owl_

On a  
Wednesday  
or at this point  
it might have been Thursday  
my mother  
heard the sound  
of a soft, heavy weight  
falling  
cold  
to the wood floor  
upstairs.

It was late May  
and I was a year  
out of Hogwarts  
the humid air  
weighing  
on the fresh grass

a time  
of life.

I Apparated out  
of Hogsmeade  
to Spinner's End  
and my mother  
too thin  
sallow  
her cheekbones too prominent  
embraced me.

My father's death  
would not be the last  
I mourned  
(and yes I did mourn  
because the loss of something  
familiar, intrinsic  
even if hated  
is always something  
to mourn)  
in the months  
to come.

It would  
however  
be the last one  
that I didn't  
predict.

_Avada Kedavra_

"Because one day,"  
said Dumbledore,  
"you're going to have  
to use it."

_Decisions and Revisions Which a Minute Will Reverse_

In every Death Eater meeting  
in our moments of reverence  
it is never  
really silent.

We may not speak  
but there is always  
wind  
rain  
a dog  
howling  
which makes me bite  
my lip.  
but tonight

Tonight  
there is  
the crackle of a  
purple fire  
and Pettigrew's sobs.

Tonight  
there is  
a hole  
in the place in our circle where  
Regulus Black  
used to stand.

Tonight  
we are told  
that the Potter sprog  
will die  
and I feel  
a twinge  
of something I refuse  
to call  
remorse.

Tonight  
should be my time  
to repay my  
debt to James Potter  
but  
doing so  
could cause so many  
more deaths  
so much chaos  
which I believe  
Potter knows.

Tonight  
he took the steps  
to prevent what  
is now  
the inevitable.

Tonight  
I cannot allow myself to feel  
guilt  
nor regret  
which is not as hard  
as it sounds  
when I am already pinned  
in place  
by the cover of  
my promises.

Tonight  
I almost speak  
as Lord Voldemort  
rises to leave  
but it is not my time  
or place  
to change his place  
in time.


End file.
